I am the Butterfly Maiden

    Several nights ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to be with a group of women who formed their very own goddess group. It was amazing to sit with these women -- who were all new to me except one -- and discover that we could all share and connect so easily. I think we were created to be nurtured by one another as women, and that night, that was just what I needed!

   Part of the time together involved drawing a goddess card. I have to confess, when I first got the stack, I held it face-side-up and the card on top was the one I really wanted. It said something about success, and with all the things going on in my life right now with my novel, it was my first reaction to snag that sentiment and hold on to it and make it my own! But I was able to restrain myself because I decided it would be more interesting to find out what card I was supposed to get. So I flipped the deck over, face-down, shuffled it a bit and then drew out my card. It was a gorgeous card with a tall, thin woman with flowing black hair, surrounded by butterflies. She was called the Butterfly Maiden and what she stood for was transformation.

   As I held the card and studied it for a bit, there was of course the obvious fit that my life is about to change with my book and all the opportunities lining up for me. But when I really tried to drop in and consider what I could learn from the idea of transformation in my life, it dawned on me that after a four days of working on my family, maybe this was the signal of transformation for all of us, not just me! 

   As I stated in a previous entry, my ideas about blending a family were a little unrealistic. I think I hoped that my stepsons would "love" me and "embrace" me, and that ultimately, we would have harmony in our home. But now I realize that harmony is just a nice concept if it doesn't come with truth. And just like the journey a butterfly must take from cocoon to spreading it's wings, I must allow myself and my family the grace to morph into something different and new. I don't have the luxury to choose what color the butterfly will be, but I have faith that whatever the outcome, the transformation will be beautiful in it's own unique way. It is going to take time, that's for sure, but there is such hope in the knowing that we can change and that we can transform from something that isn't working into something that holds all of our hopes. 

   So as I work this week on allowing God to move in my life and in the lives of my husband and his boys, I want to hold on to the idea that I am the Butterfly Maiden for a reason! 

 

I blame Mike and Carol Brady

   I am a product of the 70's, and most of my ideas and major life paradigms come from that era. So when I met my husband, and found out that he had two kids, I just assumed we could be like the Brady Bunch. You know -- everyone would get along and the only real hotbed issues in the family would be "Tiger" running away or maybe "Peter" losing the architecture plans.

   But I am here to tell you that Mike and Carol Brady didn't prepare me very well for the realities of a blended family. I wish it could be so easy, but it's not. And on some levels, the complications have forced me to see myself in a new way, which ultimately has made me more aware and perhaps even a better version of myself. But on other levels, I'm not sure what I am anymore.

   Anyway, this is a short entry and will be my only entry for the next seven days as I go up to do a weekend retreat with  my husband and stepson to work on our relationships. I have a knot in my stomach, but I also feel like in order to get the most out of this opportunity, I am going to have to be brave. So I am calling on all my friends to pray me through this and I have big plans to come home and share all the greatness that is uncovered as a result of this retreat. 

   See you next week, and I send all my blog readers many blessings! 

Sliced Bread Revolution

   I was driving in my car the other day, listening to the radio, and this ad came on for On-Star. It was one of those testimonial type adds where this customer was calling in to the On-Star control center to add minutes to her plan. After she raved on and on about how the system changed her life, she said, "I think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread!"

   I guess I must have been extra bored or something because I found myself thinking about the cliche of something being better than sliced bread. Is having your bread pre-sliced in the bag really that life-changing or revolutionary? I decided that maybe I needed to find out. After all, I've used that claim a time or two in my life, so maybe I need to know how authentically I feel about it. So I drove my car to the local grocery store and went to the bakery.

   I selected a very small loaf of fresh baked, clearly un-sliced bread. (I didn't want to have a lot of difficult bread left over in case the slicing proved to complicate my life too much.) When the bakery worker grabbed the loaf for me from the case, she asked over her shoulder, "You want that sliced, hon?" I proudly said, "No thank you -- I'm doing it myself!"

   I'm not sure if I detected a raise in her eyebrow or not, but there was definitely a shift in her hair net when I declined the slicing option and I felt super challenged to put this worn out cliche to the ultimate test. Would it change my life? Probably not. But I was about to find out.

   I'm most certainly not known for my skills in the kitchen -- unless you count my cleaning skills, which are actually legendary among family. And most of the time, I think my husband rather hopes I won't handle the knives, but I felt ready to take a chance. So I made my way over to my perfectly sanitized butcher block and pulled out the serrated bread knife. With my tiny loaf of sunflower bread, resting patiently on the cutting board, I slid the knife across the top with a gentle see-saw motion to create the first cut. 

   My first slice wasn't too bad, but as I moved my way down the loaf, each piece became more and more disfigured. I might have been squeezing the loaf a bit too hard with my stabilizing hand as I pushed the knife down with my other hand to create the cuts. And size consistency? Forget it. One of the slices I cut -- toward the middle -- actually wouldn't fit into the over-sized slots of my pop-up toaster! And even the couple pieces that did fit were so uneven that they must of been touching the heating elements in the toaster! As a result, there was a horrible smell of burnt bread overpowering my Fabreeze-fresh home! (Bummer...)

   There's no doubt that the bread was still quite delicious, and ultimately, the effort of slicing my own bread really didn't impact me as much as it sounded like the On-Star navigational system impacted the caller on their ad. But you know, pre-sliced bread is a great thing, and I do think, after doing my own research on the subject, it is a worthy cliche. It does indeed simply things, and you know, that can be a revolution of sorts. Anyway, I feel as if I can use this common phrase with a truer voice, and now that you've read my blog, I hope maybe you can, too. 

Cup of good tea

    Sometimes, all it takes to make me happy in the morning is a cup of good tea. My sister sent me these tea bags for Christmas and I've only been allowing myself to use one if I know I can have the discipline to actually savor the sipping process. I don't want to just gulp it down distractedly while I'm checking my email. I want to let the tea roll over my tongue and season my mouth with all that lemony goodness!

   Today, I took time to savor the tea a bit. I sat on my sofa and looked out the front sliders at the beautiful, moody day unfolding. I took my time with my sips and enjoyed knowing that my sister, who I love so much, picked this tea out just for me because she knows how much I enjoy it! When I got to the last bit of tea in my cup, it was a completely cold, but the taste and the experience of all the sips made me feel happy and warm!

   Now, as I write this entry, I have to wonder why I can be so intentional with a cup of tea, but so unintentional with so many other gifts in my life. Maybe since there are only so many tea bags in the tin my sister sent, I realize my enjoyment of the tea is ultimately limited. But when you really think about it, since all we get is this moment right now -- with no promise of more moments passed this one -- everything needs to be savored and respected for it's uniqueness and importance in the moment. 

   Perhaps today, I will find a few more things that I need to draw my attention and my intention toward, and see what happens. But for now, I must confess, I sure do like that tea! ;o) 

Owning your greatness

   Last night, I had the distinct privilege to have dinner with this wonderful lady who lives in my building. As I sat across the table from her, I just kept thinking how strong and lovely she looked. She was incredibly gracious and let me talk about myself a ton! I had an fantastic day yesterday with all kinds of momentum for my book and lots of life affirmations about my journey as an author. I was literally blabbing on and on about all these great things happening in my life, and this beautiful lady just sat on the other side of the table, sipping her wine, soaking it all in.

   When there was finally a break in my long-winded story, she looked at me and said something that kind of caught me off guard. She said, "You act like you're surprised by all of this! Like you don't know how to own all of your greatness." It took me a second or two to recover from her words because I think that exactly defines what I saw in her as she listened to me blather on and on. I saw a women who owns her greatness, and it inspired me.

   After allowing her to share some things with me, I realized that her journey to finding her footing in her life wasn't simple or easy, and I gathered that she has had to push her way through her fair share of heartache in her lifetime. And even now, she is pushing through unpleasant things. But as I listened to what she shared, I never doubted that she has the courage to get passed it, and to learn from it, and then to own all the greatness she discovers within herself along the way.

   I want to own my greatness -- but sometimes I worry that doing so will make me seem conceited or haughty. I guess when I get plain with it, the whole idea smacks of  vanity and selfishness. I always want to be humble and gracious because those are core values I truly respect. But at the same time, why should being humble mean that I can't embrace and celebrate all that God made me to be? If I gave someone I love a gift, I think I'd be really hurt if they didn't accept it or embrace it for all the value it has! Why should all of the gifts that God bestows on me be any different?

   Today, I had a chance to marinate on this idea a little bit further, and I think with time, I will be able to embrace the balance of owning my greatness with the idea of being a woman with a humble and gracious heart. With God as my focal point, and the acknowledged Creator of my total being, when I embrace all my greatness, I'm really just loving and appreciating God! With wisdom comes maturity and with maturity comes grace, and I hope that with each life lesson I experience on this journey, I will know how to take all the blessings, heartaches and affirmations into my heart and fully embrace them all! AND, I hope I can learn to be easy and comfortable in my own skin, and ultimately embrace all of God's greatness in me!

Chocolate for breakfast

7:25 a.m. Today, I woke up and my shoulder is still aching so badly from a terrible tripping incident I had during one of my morning runs last week. It feels as if I have whiplash or something, but it's been five days and I'm still in bad shape. So I decided to rebel a bit this morning and not exercise... And I even decided to do something really naughty... Like eating chocolate for breakfast!

   I know it is a bad way to start my day -- with all that sugar and such. But honestly, I think it's bringing tremendous healing to my shoulder!! I have more endorphins and feel happier than ever -- so how can that be so bad?

10:02 a.m. I feel like crap... I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate for breakfast... Don't you hate it when your  mother is right about such things? Rats...

Naming our Fears

   In the past two days, I've had the opportunity to talk to two very beautiful, very worthy women about their lives, and what it is they want the most for the future. One of the women has been my best friend for nearly 15 years, and the other is a brand new friend I've only known for a very short time. But during the course of both conversations, it became crystal clear to me that the only thing holding these two amazing women back from all the greatness they deserve is fear. Nothing else. 

   I can only recognize this fear situation because I face my own fears on a daily basis! I have fears about never selling the massive wall of books that are lining the outer rim of my garage as I write this; I worry that I won't be able to afford the dreams I have for myself as an author; and I fret over the notion that I might not be as great of a writer as I think I am, and one day, the rest of the world will find out and I will be considered a major sham! Yeah...I have my fair share of fear! But I'm convinced that what makes my fear useful is that I can name it. 

   When I was a kid, I used to be riddled with fear and worry -- and I can even remember a teacher once writing on my report card that "Sonja is a worry wart." I remember my mom showing this to me and I felt so ashamed. And when she asked me what I was worried about, I couldn't even tell her. I was just worried all the time, and insecure that maybe I wasn't as deserving or as good as the rest of the kids in my class.

    But as I've gotten older, I've learned that when I get consumed with a free-floating sense of anxiety, if I can name it, I can actually deal with it. If I can put my finger on the very thing I fear the most, and then give it a name, I can better take it on, and most of the time, even overcome it! I think that is the first step when setting nonnegotiables in your life. How can you begin to know what it is you want when you can't even allow yourself to name what it is you fear?

   I'm no expert at containing my fears, but I am getting better. I mostly digest my greatest fears at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep. These alien thoughts sort of wrap their tendrils around my chest and start squeezing me with fears and concerns about the unknown. But when I get very still, and then reduce my big huge life with all of it's problems and complications to the single moment I'm living in right now, I can have the courage to name my fears and see them for what they are. 

Fear 1: I'm afraid I will fail and the rest of the world will say I was stupid for trying. (Fear of Failure)

Fear 2: I'm afraid I will lose all my financial security and I won't be able to pay my bills. (Fear of Financial Insecurity)

Fear 3: I'm afraid I am using my writing abilities for the wrong things -- like maybe I'm being irresponsible with my talents. (Fear of Disappointing Others)

   Once I've given every fear a definition or a name, a very miraculous thing starts to happen. I can feel the fear loosening it's grip on my chest, and then I can hear my rational mind sliding into place, greeting my biggest concerns with questions like, "Who is the rest of the world to say that you aren't worthy of dreaming big? And why can everyone else decide for you what is a success and what is a failure?" and "If this dream is that important to you, aren't there things you can do without in order to make your dream come true? Isn't there always a way to make some money?" and "Does it matter if you disappoint yourself? Who are you really trying to impress anyway?"

   And gradually, with my fears named for what they really are, I can own each irrational thought, or fear, and give it a new spin. I can believe in myself and know that I don't have to let my fears limit me anymore. In the Bible, it says to take "every thought captive" (2 Cor.10:5), and I think that is an empowering concept, because often, what we think or what we believe -- whether it is rational, irrational, truth-filled or a lie -- can determine what we end up doing with our lives.

   So today, I am going to own my fears and keep them in submission to my faith! I don't have to let my concerns or worries dictate to me what I deserve to be or to do in this life. I am more powerful than some unknown perception that somehow sneaks into my being only to take up residence in my mind! I'm not willing to sit back and not expect great things in my life due to fear! I am worthy of great things, and I think even my fears know it!!

   So as I close this entry for today, I pray that whoever reads this will have the courage to be quiet in the moment and face the biggest fears with the bravest heart, knowing there is more room for your dreams if you boot out all of the fears!