Owning your greatness

   Last night, I had the distinct privilege to have dinner with this wonderful lady who lives in my building. As I sat across the table from her, I just kept thinking how strong and lovely she looked. She was incredibly gracious and let me talk about myself a ton! I had an fantastic day yesterday with all kinds of momentum for my book and lots of life affirmations about my journey as an author. I was literally blabbing on and on about all these great things happening in my life, and this beautiful lady just sat on the other side of the table, sipping her wine, soaking it all in.

   When there was finally a break in my long-winded story, she looked at me and said something that kind of caught me off guard. She said, "You act like you're surprised by all of this! Like you don't know how to own all of your greatness." It took me a second or two to recover from her words because I think that exactly defines what I saw in her as she listened to me blather on and on. I saw a women who owns her greatness, and it inspired me.

   After allowing her to share some things with me, I realized that her journey to finding her footing in her life wasn't simple or easy, and I gathered that she has had to push her way through her fair share of heartache in her lifetime. And even now, she is pushing through unpleasant things. But as I listened to what she shared, I never doubted that she has the courage to get passed it, and to learn from it, and then to own all the greatness she discovers within herself along the way.

   I want to own my greatness -- but sometimes I worry that doing so will make me seem conceited or haughty. I guess when I get plain with it, the whole idea smacks of  vanity and selfishness. I always want to be humble and gracious because those are core values I truly respect. But at the same time, why should being humble mean that I can't embrace and celebrate all that God made me to be? If I gave someone I love a gift, I think I'd be really hurt if they didn't accept it or embrace it for all the value it has! Why should all of the gifts that God bestows on me be any different?

   Today, I had a chance to marinate on this idea a little bit further, and I think with time, I will be able to embrace the balance of owning my greatness with the idea of being a woman with a humble and gracious heart. With God as my focal point, and the acknowledged Creator of my total being, when I embrace all my greatness, I'm really just loving and appreciating God! With wisdom comes maturity and with maturity comes grace, and I hope that with each life lesson I experience on this journey, I will know how to take all the blessings, heartaches and affirmations into my heart and fully embrace them all! AND, I hope I can learn to be easy and comfortable in my own skin, and ultimately embrace all of God's greatness in me!

Chocolate for breakfast

7:25 a.m. Today, I woke up and my shoulder is still aching so badly from a terrible tripping incident I had during one of my morning runs last week. It feels as if I have whiplash or something, but it's been five days and I'm still in bad shape. So I decided to rebel a bit this morning and not exercise... And I even decided to do something really naughty... Like eating chocolate for breakfast!

   I know it is a bad way to start my day -- with all that sugar and such. But honestly, I think it's bringing tremendous healing to my shoulder!! I have more endorphins and feel happier than ever -- so how can that be so bad?

10:02 a.m. I feel like crap... I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate for breakfast... Don't you hate it when your  mother is right about such things? Rats...

Naming our Fears

   In the past two days, I've had the opportunity to talk to two very beautiful, very worthy women about their lives, and what it is they want the most for the future. One of the women has been my best friend for nearly 15 years, and the other is a brand new friend I've only known for a very short time. But during the course of both conversations, it became crystal clear to me that the only thing holding these two amazing women back from all the greatness they deserve is fear. Nothing else. 

   I can only recognize this fear situation because I face my own fears on a daily basis! I have fears about never selling the massive wall of books that are lining the outer rim of my garage as I write this; I worry that I won't be able to afford the dreams I have for myself as an author; and I fret over the notion that I might not be as great of a writer as I think I am, and one day, the rest of the world will find out and I will be considered a major sham! Yeah...I have my fair share of fear! But I'm convinced that what makes my fear useful is that I can name it. 

   When I was a kid, I used to be riddled with fear and worry -- and I can even remember a teacher once writing on my report card that "Sonja is a worry wart." I remember my mom showing this to me and I felt so ashamed. And when she asked me what I was worried about, I couldn't even tell her. I was just worried all the time, and insecure that maybe I wasn't as deserving or as good as the rest of the kids in my class.

    But as I've gotten older, I've learned that when I get consumed with a free-floating sense of anxiety, if I can name it, I can actually deal with it. If I can put my finger on the very thing I fear the most, and then give it a name, I can better take it on, and most of the time, even overcome it! I think that is the first step when setting nonnegotiables in your life. How can you begin to know what it is you want when you can't even allow yourself to name what it is you fear?

   I'm no expert at containing my fears, but I am getting better. I mostly digest my greatest fears at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep. These alien thoughts sort of wrap their tendrils around my chest and start squeezing me with fears and concerns about the unknown. But when I get very still, and then reduce my big huge life with all of it's problems and complications to the single moment I'm living in right now, I can have the courage to name my fears and see them for what they are. 

Fear 1: I'm afraid I will fail and the rest of the world will say I was stupid for trying. (Fear of Failure)

Fear 2: I'm afraid I will lose all my financial security and I won't be able to pay my bills. (Fear of Financial Insecurity)

Fear 3: I'm afraid I am using my writing abilities for the wrong things -- like maybe I'm being irresponsible with my talents. (Fear of Disappointing Others)

   Once I've given every fear a definition or a name, a very miraculous thing starts to happen. I can feel the fear loosening it's grip on my chest, and then I can hear my rational mind sliding into place, greeting my biggest concerns with questions like, "Who is the rest of the world to say that you aren't worthy of dreaming big? And why can everyone else decide for you what is a success and what is a failure?" and "If this dream is that important to you, aren't there things you can do without in order to make your dream come true? Isn't there always a way to make some money?" and "Does it matter if you disappoint yourself? Who are you really trying to impress anyway?"

   And gradually, with my fears named for what they really are, I can own each irrational thought, or fear, and give it a new spin. I can believe in myself and know that I don't have to let my fears limit me anymore. In the Bible, it says to take "every thought captive" (2 Cor.10:5), and I think that is an empowering concept, because often, what we think or what we believe -- whether it is rational, irrational, truth-filled or a lie -- can determine what we end up doing with our lives.

   So today, I am going to own my fears and keep them in submission to my faith! I don't have to let my concerns or worries dictate to me what I deserve to be or to do in this life. I am more powerful than some unknown perception that somehow sneaks into my being only to take up residence in my mind! I'm not willing to sit back and not expect great things in my life due to fear! I am worthy of great things, and I think even my fears know it!!

   So as I close this entry for today, I pray that whoever reads this will have the courage to be quiet in the moment and face the biggest fears with the bravest heart, knowing there is more room for your dreams if you boot out all of the fears!

Coincidences: God's way of staying anonymous

    If you happen to like the title of today's entry, I can't take credit for it. My husband, Lou, has always wanted to write a book with that as the title. And I must say, it would make a great one because honestly, it is a pretty accurate theme that is often overlooked in life. How many times has something you've just assumed was a coincidence turned out to be something really important or really critical in the grand scheme of your life? Well, unless you're living your life with your eyes open and looking at your life as a journey, you might miss the importance of each coincidence along the way. But I refuse to walk blindly! I have to have more faith than that!

   Since I launched my novel, Hurricane Season, I've been incredibly aware of the idea of God's powerful hand in my life, and very often, things that "weren't supposed to happen" end up happening anyway, and the next thing you know, what looked like a simple coincidence turns into something really major. Take for example a flight I was on back in December.

    Lou and I were on our way to Canada for some meetings and a holiday party. As is often the case, Lou was upgraded to first class while I had to stick out in coach. ;o) Anyway, when we got off the plane, Lou told me he sat next to the most adorable woman on our flight, and for some reason he couldn't explain, he had a feeling she was going to be a part of our lives. On the way home from Canada, I had gotten very ill, so we decided to catch a flight out a day before our scheduled flight. While sitting in the boarding area, fighting off chills and the shakes, the woman Lou met on the flight out was walking up the concourse, headed our way! 

   This may not seem like a big deal to you as you read this, because I haven't really told you much about this woman -- other than to say that Lou had a strong feeling about her being in our lives. But the truth is, this is a HUGE deal to me. You see, I gave this woman a copy of my novel before we parted ways that first day, and in the few days between meeting her, and the flight home, she was inspired by my book. And not only was she inspired by the book, she was inspired to become a part of making my book bigger than it is, and more real to a wider audience. This virtual stranger wanted to be a part of my vision -- after only knowing about it for a few days!

    This weekend, this new friend and I got a chance to talk on the phone and dream a little more about the future we both believe we have together. And the dreams we have are really big, and really passionate, and really real! And when you consider that this woman wasn't even supposed to be on our flight on the way up to Canada, and I wasn't supposed to be on her flight home... Well, it makes you notice the "divine fingerprints" in the story that make it incredibly obvious that this was more than just a coincidence!

   Who knows if all the ideas and dreams we had on the phone this weekend will turn out the way we think they will right now? Who's to say they won't? And who can know for sure that our dreams right now aren't too small because God has even more in store for us? It's all a big adventure with lots of surprises along the way. But what I do know is that when I slow down and look at what God is doing in my life, I notice all sorts of coincidences. And instead of trying to question each incident, or qualify it as anything other than a part of God's bigger picture for my life, I just have to move forward with trust, faith and anticipation.

   I realize that this entry is a bit vague -- I didn't reveal much about my mystery friend or what it is she does or has in mind to do with me, but let's just say I feel the need to wait on revealing all of those details at this time. But know without any wonder our doubt that God is in the details, and whatever he pulls out of my life will be the perfect culmination of each step of my journey as an author. I am excited to keep you posted on things as they develop, but in the meantime, may you have the clarity and patience in your own life to see God working through the coincidences in your day today and all the days ahead of you! 

Beauty Alert!

   When I received an email with the words "FREE SPA" and "$200 VALUE" in the main text, I sort of got all wobbly and giddy inside at the thought of such an extravagant opportunity at no cost to me! So I quickly contacted a new friend in my life and invited her to join me for what I had hoped would be a most beautifying and relaxing experience.

    Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that the words didn't exactly or accurately depict the experience I was in for, and now, as I sit here with a bit of a rash on the side of my face (due I'm pretty sure to a facial remedy I tried yesterday), I'm searching for the deeper truth of what I really need in my life to truly feel beautiful. Is it a new kind of facial wash? What about the perfect cleansing mask? I was told yesterday that without both of these "beauty essentials," my skin would never maintain a healthy glow or gorgeous texture. What about exfoliation? Do I buff my skin and lips enough to have the maximum look of fresh, rejuvenated skin?Yesterday, I was told that the look of dull skin is most unattractive and exfoliation is a must (and even helps to remove bacteria build-up on my lips! YIKES!)

    What about moisturizers? Do I need to consider switching to a deeper penetrating moisturizer to prevent my skin from premature aging? And what about those bags under my eyes? Am I doing enough to ensure those bags aren't too gray or  extra puffy? There are expensive creams and lotions and eye pads and tinctures that are all pretty much considered a priority for beauty, and I seem to really need them all if I want to look my best. 

    But...what if I'm already pretty happy with my current skin care plan? Well, if that's the case, maybe I look so terrible because I'm not relaxing and meditating enough. You know, "zenning out" with my eyes closed and thinking about sailboats and what I would do if I never had to worry about money. Do I spend enough time in quiet contemplation? (Asked the women who was firmly encouraging me to RELAX!)

    These are some pretty heady questions to consider when you're on the quest for beauty! And while I can't find fault with anyone for having the desire to look and feel their best, and I'm quite certain that the products I experienced yesterday are the exact thing that make some women feel as though they are a better, more beautiful version of themselves, I just couldn't find anything in it for me. UNTIL...

    My friend and I got in the car and started to compare notes on our experience! We started laughing at ourselves and each other because what we thought we were going to experience and what we actually did experience were so different! The expression of how silly the whole thing made us feel was just plain funny! And I found myself laughing from the belly and feeling my eyes tear up a bit as my friend shared her comments and I added mine! It was so liberating to be with someone who could relate to me and laugh about it with such ease! In that moment -- when I was laughing and sharing how inadequate I often feel about myself with a special friend -- I felt beautiful and real and healthy! Being in that state of unconditional love and friendship with another woman who feels she has the same flaws and insecurities as me made me feel gorgeous!!

   Later that evening, when my husband pointed out that I had mud in my hair, (which was leftover from my exfoliating, cleaning mask) I just smiled and thanked God for making women so beautiful when we bond through laughter and moments of real connection!

See-Through Pink Knickers

    On the first day of school in fifth grade, I was very excited to wear this pair of pink linen knickers that my mother made. I thought they were so pretty and I just knew I'd look really special in them. But as I was getting dressed, I had a thought: I wonder if you can see the frogs on my underwear through these knickers? So I went to my family -- who were all seated around the kitchen table, eating breakfast -- and asked them if they could see my frog panties. There was a slight hesitation, but then my dad, my mom and my sister all assured me that my fanny was free of frogs.

   So I wore my pink knickers to school that day with great pride, only to be later ridiculed by the oh-so-charming taunts of pre-pubescent boys, screaming "I can see your frog underwear!" from the top of the monkey bars. I remember borrowing a coat from my friend Melanie to tie around my waist -- which totally ruined the look of my perfectly pleated knickers from the front view, but at least hid the frog-fest from the back. I felt terribly embarrassed and completely foolish about the fact that  the whole school knew about my frog underpants! But as I sat (on the frogs) in my seat during Right to Read, I think I was the most upset that my family didn't tell me the truth about my rear view in my knickers. Why did they lie?

    After school, my mother was excited to hear all about my first day of fifth grade, so I hit her with both barrels and a bucket load of tears about how my frog underwear was the demise of my life! As far as I was concerned, I was ruined and would never be the same again! I just remember pleading with her to explain to me why she didn't tell me at breakfast that you could see my panties through my knickers. I can still see her face crumbling a bit before she put her hand on my cheek and said, "You were so excited about the knickers that I didn't want to ruin it for you!"

   Looking back on this life-changing incident that took place nearly 25 years ago, I realize that my "see-through knickers" experience was just the beginning of many more social faux pas and grand mistakes in my life. For whatever reason, God made me one of those people that feels the need to keep trying to do things, even when I'm pretty sure I won't ever do it perfectly. I am what I am, and even though I give it my very best shot to do things as perfectly as I can, when I do something big and bold, all my mistakes are right there beside me, keeping me humble and always just a little bit shy of great.

   Writing and self-publishing a novel was a huge triumph for me, and I do certainly feel gratified by the accomplishment! But once you put something like this out there for public consumption, there is nothing to hide behind anymore! Not even the thin barrier of pink linen knickers! All my mistakes and boo boos in Hurricane Season are out for the world to see, and sometimes, if I let it get to me, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I even bothered! I guess when you get a nine-page letter from one of your readers detailing the flaws of each of your characters -- along with a short list of page numbers where your various typos can be found -- it can get to you. Or when one of the ladies who lives in your building tells you that she is about to read your book and plans to have a pad and pen handy to write down her notes on what needs to be changed, you can get a little insecure and vulnerable.

   But I can't lose sight of the fact that I did something that many people tell me they have always wanted to do, but never had the courage to try. As I go through this process of promoting and marketing my own novel, I have to daily remind myself that if this was easy, everyone would do it! It's not easy, and there are days I feel terrible about myself and don't know if I'm cut out for the criticisms. But each time I get down on myself, or start to worry that I'm not quite good enough to be considered a real author, something will happen to reframe my thinking. When I allow myself to stay in my core, I know that I am too passionate about writing and storytelling to let this dream go. I truly believe that Hurricane Season is out in the world for a reason -- and that reason isn't just about me. It's about other people, too!

   So as I end this blog today, I think back to my first day of fifth grade. Sure, it would have been great if my family would have told me about the frogs so I could have gone in and changed my panties before I went to school that day. But what would have been even greater is if could have owned that moment in my life and worked those see-through pink knickers and green frog panties and said to the world -- like Pee Wee Herman once did -- I meant to do that!  Today, I'm committed to believe that I'm a real author, and what I've written is worthy to be out in the world -- mistakes and all! I'm working this experience with every bit of courage and determination I can muster, and I'm gonna own my passion today and every day going forward!

   

My first real thoughts...

There is a certain voice inside my head that tells me little stories. Sometimes the stories are about other people, and sometimes, the stories are about me. I like to listen to that voice as an author because it can often lead me to great fiction moments that make for great reading. But when I'm not writing, that voice can get in the way and make me doubt that I'm allowed to have this dream of being a brilliant author. 

    Last night, I went to an author's circle and everyone there was self-published. I could hear the heart of each person as they shared about their work, and on many levels, I felt a sense of comfort knowing that the main insecurities I carry on a daily basis are also the same ones everyone else was struggling with, too. And even though some of the books that were featured in the author's circle were ones I likely wouldn't be compelled to read, knowing what the author went through to make the book a reality and knowing how hard it is to put yourself out there sort of bonded me to these men and women in a unique way.

    I think what I learned last night is that you have to be willing to journey with an open mind and an open heart if this book publishing thing is ever going to be of significant value. I guess if you aren't passionate about what you are doing or what you've created, it isn't worth it to try to make it on your own. This morning, after my long run, I can say with great conviction that I am truly passionate and invigorated to keep pushing ahead in this journey of putting a novel out for the world to read and judge. I know I am meant to be a writer and I guess right now, that is the most important opinion to listen to!

    Anyway, as Forrest Gump would say:  "That's all I have to say about that..."