See-Through Pink Knickers

    On the first day of school in fifth grade, I was very excited to wear this pair of pink linen knickers that my mother made. I thought they were so pretty and I just knew I'd look really special in them. But as I was getting dressed, I had a thought: I wonder if you can see the frogs on my underwear through these knickers? So I went to my family -- who were all seated around the kitchen table, eating breakfast -- and asked them if they could see my frog panties. There was a slight hesitation, but then my dad, my mom and my sister all assured me that my fanny was free of frogs.

   So I wore my pink knickers to school that day with great pride, only to be later ridiculed by the oh-so-charming taunts of pre-pubescent boys, screaming "I can see your frog underwear!" from the top of the monkey bars. I remember borrowing a coat from my friend Melanie to tie around my waist -- which totally ruined the look of my perfectly pleated knickers from the front view, but at least hid the frog-fest from the back. I felt terribly embarrassed and completely foolish about the fact that  the whole school knew about my frog underpants! But as I sat (on the frogs) in my seat during Right to Read, I think I was the most upset that my family didn't tell me the truth about my rear view in my knickers. Why did they lie?

    After school, my mother was excited to hear all about my first day of fifth grade, so I hit her with both barrels and a bucket load of tears about how my frog underwear was the demise of my life! As far as I was concerned, I was ruined and would never be the same again! I just remember pleading with her to explain to me why she didn't tell me at breakfast that you could see my panties through my knickers. I can still see her face crumbling a bit before she put her hand on my cheek and said, "You were so excited about the knickers that I didn't want to ruin it for you!"

   Looking back on this life-changing incident that took place nearly 25 years ago, I realize that my "see-through knickers" experience was just the beginning of many more social faux pas and grand mistakes in my life. For whatever reason, God made me one of those people that feels the need to keep trying to do things, even when I'm pretty sure I won't ever do it perfectly. I am what I am, and even though I give it my very best shot to do things as perfectly as I can, when I do something big and bold, all my mistakes are right there beside me, keeping me humble and always just a little bit shy of great.

   Writing and self-publishing a novel was a huge triumph for me, and I do certainly feel gratified by the accomplishment! But once you put something like this out there for public consumption, there is nothing to hide behind anymore! Not even the thin barrier of pink linen knickers! All my mistakes and boo boos in Hurricane Season are out for the world to see, and sometimes, if I let it get to me, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I even bothered! I guess when you get a nine-page letter from one of your readers detailing the flaws of each of your characters -- along with a short list of page numbers where your various typos can be found -- it can get to you. Or when one of the ladies who lives in your building tells you that she is about to read your book and plans to have a pad and pen handy to write down her notes on what needs to be changed, you can get a little insecure and vulnerable.

   But I can't lose sight of the fact that I did something that many people tell me they have always wanted to do, but never had the courage to try. As I go through this process of promoting and marketing my own novel, I have to daily remind myself that if this was easy, everyone would do it! It's not easy, and there are days I feel terrible about myself and don't know if I'm cut out for the criticisms. But each time I get down on myself, or start to worry that I'm not quite good enough to be considered a real author, something will happen to reframe my thinking. When I allow myself to stay in my core, I know that I am too passionate about writing and storytelling to let this dream go. I truly believe that Hurricane Season is out in the world for a reason -- and that reason isn't just about me. It's about other people, too!

   So as I end this blog today, I think back to my first day of fifth grade. Sure, it would have been great if my family would have told me about the frogs so I could have gone in and changed my panties before I went to school that day. But what would have been even greater is if could have owned that moment in my life and worked those see-through pink knickers and green frog panties and said to the world -- like Pee Wee Herman once did -- I meant to do that!  Today, I'm committed to believe that I'm a real author, and what I've written is worthy to be out in the world -- mistakes and all! I'm working this experience with every bit of courage and determination I can muster, and I'm gonna own my passion today and every day going forward!