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OK, so I gave the plan I shared in Perspective, Part 2, a solid try this week, but I've come to the conclusion that for right now at least, the plan is crap! I held it together for the first day, but on the second day, I just couldn't hold to the perspective of being thankful for Lou's messes simply because I might miss them when he is gone.
It came to a crashing end for me last night when I walked into the kitchen and stepped on what felt like a fairly large sandbar. When I flicked on the overhead light, I discovered it was salt. Lou must have knocked the top off the shaker and the contents spilled all over the floor. DUDE!! Are you kidding me? You couldn't clean that up?
I promise you, I would never miss that kind of thing!!
So after some deep thinking and consideration, I decided that I need to find a new plan to help me keep my perspective - particularly when it comes to Lou. I don't want to be so limited in my thinking, or hold Lou to these impossible standards of perfection that I have when it comes to my home environment. I want to have a more generous heart, you know? It's important to me.
Well, I have this photo of Lou in my office. He is probably five or six in this little black and white picture, and he looks so sweet and cute. When I look at this picture, I can see traces of Lou's familiar face in the image, but I mostly see a spunky little boy, who likely made loads of messes for his mother to clean up. But there is such a charming look on his face, and I can imagine that for his mother, this sweet little boy could do no wrong. So that is the person I want to see in Lou! The forgivable little gentleman in this picture!!
He's just a little boy, living inside of a big, clunky man-body. His mind is moving so fast because he's already thinking about the next big adventure he will create, and so he can't be bothered with the messes he makes. He's playful and clever and gives great hugs. He wants to tell me stories, and hear some of mine, and he is pretty much game for anything - at any time. Little boy Lou is adorable, and when I try to see his little features in old man Lou's face, it makes me smile.
So today, when I encounter Lou's first mess - which I'm betting will be in the bathroom, because he is in there now, shaving, I think - I am going to try to picture this version of Lou, standing on his tip toes, with a razor in his hands. I think I might be able to forgive that version of Lou for getting water all over the mirror and leaving shaving cream caked up in the drain.
At least I think I can... But I'll keep you posted...
OK, so with this new desk situation, I've really been thinking a lot about using my rearranging talents to try to look at my life differently, too. It's a challenge, but one I know I'm up to, so here is a second installment of my thoughts on perspective.
After my mom died, and I went to stay with my dad for a few weeks, I remember him saying the most unusual thing. He said that the things my mom did that bothered him when she was alive were the things he missed the most about her after her death. It was kind of an odd thought because I never realized my mom had habits that got on my dad's nerves, but after all, they were both only human! When I asked my dad why he felt this way he said, "Because sometimes the things that bother you the most are the things you notice all the time. And then when they are gone...you realize so is the person you loved so much." I felt so sad for my dad in that moment, because losing my mom was devastating for all of us, but mostly for him.
Lately, my husband and I have been spending more time together than usual, and I have been finding so many reasons to fault him in my mind. The way he never puts his clothes in the hamper; the way he leaves dishes in the sink; the way he gets stains on every single shirt he's wearing; the way he messes up every clean spot in the house! I could go on and on because I'm admittedly wound a bit tight when it comes to my environment! But with this new conviction in my heart to try to look at things a different way, I was reminded of my dad's words about my mom.
If Lou was gone, I know I would miss him terribly, and the fact that my house would likely stay so spotlessly clean would only serve as a huge reminder of the vacancy Lou would leave behind. So maybe if I shift my thinking around a bit, and start celebrating that he is with me, and he is alive and healthy, his messes won't have the same irritation. Maybe I can find a way to be more thankful for the way he moves in my life, instead of finding such great fault with everything he does. Even now, as I write these thoughts, my heart is filled up with a bit more love for Lou and all of his pesky habits, which is a telling sign that a mental shift on this topic could be helpful. Maybe I can rearrange it all in my mind so that when I find one of his messes, I can look at it and smile instead of cringe.
I don't know... It is going to be a pretty big perspective shift for me to take on. I like my world tidy and neat, and Lou is so disruptive to that particular ambition of mine. But in addition to tidy and neat, I like my world with love, and that is what Lou brings to me all of the time: Love.
Well... I shall keep you posted. Perspective, Part 3 should be a good one!
SBZ ;o)
Yesterday, I got a wild hair to change things up a bit around here. I have been waiting for almost a year to buy some new bookshelves for my office, so I had 26-book boxes stacked up against the wall, waiting to be unpacked. I've started to give up on the idea that I will ever get those shelves, so I decided to move the 26 boxes down to my garage and rework my office space a little.
After no less than 10 trips down the elevator and back up, I had all the boxes neatly stacked in the garage, and a wide open room to play with. I really only moved one thing around in the room, but by moving my desk to a new wall, I feel like I'm in another world! As I sit here and type, I have a whole new perspective! The light from my office windows is more subtle now, and I don't feel as distracted to look out said windows when I'm stalling! And the way my chair is set up, I feel like I'm more comfortable.
It's a funny thing how easy it is for us to change our perspective in life. All it takes is a willingness to move things out of the way, and then move the remaining stuff around a little bit. Such small changes can make a big difference in our mindset and our ability to find some inspiration. I want to take this little tiny lesson and try to apply it to the bigger things going on in my life these days. I may have no more answers than I did before, but I do have a new outlook, and that certainly helps. Perspective is a mighty powerful influence in our thinking, so it is a wise exercise to find ways to mix it all up. (Now that totally sounds like something my mom would have said!! Thanks, Mom!!)
SBZ ;o)
Here is a picture of me with six of the most GORGEOUS and FABULOUS ladies in the world! I am so thankful that I have the priviledge of calling them my friends! I'd like to send my love to all of them: Tara, Brenda, Marianne, Julie, Catherine and Jeanie. You all made me feel so strong and confident!! Thanks for being my friends!!
SBZ ;o)
Well, I just did my second round of hot yoga this morning. My first time was MISERABLE!! I actually spent most of my time on my back, in the "savasana" or something like that, just trying to breathe! Every time I was in the standing position, I literally felt like someone had an ink dropper, and they were dripping black-ish, blue-ish ink into the corners of my eyes so I couldn't see anything! It wasn't so nice.
Today, however, I did much better. Maybe it is the fact that I knew a little bit more about how my body would react to the heat and all the twisting of the limbs and such. So now, as I st in my office, in my fresh clothes with my super clean hair and skin, I think the very best part of hot yoga is how yucky and dirty it makes you feel during. Taking a refreshing shower and suddsing off all of the sweat and gunk that came out of my pours was fantastic!! Now, I feel like I'm so clean that I squeak!! And that is just about the greatest feeling an OCD-sufferer could ever ask for!!!
Aaaahhhhh..... Hooooooot Yooooooogaaaaaaaaah!
SBZ ;o)
Sometimes, when I'm reading something in the media, I catch myself wondering if anyone else out there still shakes their head in disbelief about the things we accept in our culture. Does anything shock us? I'm not sure anymore...
Take a story I read on AOL today. There is some fabulously wealthy German heiress who made a sex tape with her lover, and then the lover tried to blackmail her with the tape. As I was reading the article, I was thinking about how foolish this woman was to get snarled up in that kind of thing in the first place, but then I saw what great lengths she went to to try to keep the press from getting a hold of the tape. (It really gave her a sense of purpose, I guess, to use every legal means available to cover up her horrible choice - and maybe that's why she did the tape in the first place!! But that's just a guess on my part!!)
But the article that I read was an editorial, so the author shared his perspective on how this woman could avoid more drama around this sex tape scandal. His advice was simple: just let the cat out of the bag, give the media a copy of the tape, and then go on Barbra Walters and present your mea culpa. This would show everyone how sorry you are, and tell them what you've learned, and once that is over, you can just get on with your life. The author goes on to say that this plan is obvious because after all, sex tapes are really quite common, and no one is really all that outraged by them anymore anyway.
Oyi! That sentiment went down like a lead sinker in my heart because it calls into question everything about our morality and our sensistivity to what is right and wrong. It basically sets up a standard that just because it happens all the time means it's OK!
The thing is, I'm convicted by this concept because I have to consider all of the things in my life that I let slip by because I have no sensitivity to it any longer. I have to acknowledge that there are literally hundreds of things I probably just accept by saying, "Yep... That's just how things go..."
I had lunch with a lovely new friend, and we both have a passion for wanting to make things better for women - especially the women in this world that are still young girls and have their whole lives ahead of them. As the two of us talked, we reasoned that we probably won't be able to change much about the world around us, but we can certainly aim to inspire change. And I do really agree with this notion for the most part, but I guess with this newly added layer of thoughts in the mix, I think it's going to take a little more effort on my part to see the world around me with sensitive eyes and a softened heart.
Well, as my dad pointed out ages ago, you have to apply some frog logic. The frog that starts out in a pot of water on top of the stove will boil to death because he continues to acclaimate to the rising heat. But a frog that stays outside the pot of water will never acclaimate to the temperature, giving it the ability to know the scald of boiling water on frog legs. I just pray that I will always feel the heat, and never let something common become OK!
So yesterday, I decided to spend the day fasting. I feel like I need to get clear on some things going on in my life, and fasting is often the best way to pull yourself into a meditative state. It is such a discipline for me, though, because I actually think about food quite a lot. But what was really crazy is this: it turns out eating for me is less about the food, and more about entitlement! Let me explain...
The morning was pretty easy for me to get through - I usually pray a lot in the mornings anyway, and food is not usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up. But around 2:00 in the afternoon, I started to feel irritable and snack-driven. I started thinking about all the food I have in the pantry and refrigerator, and my mouth started to water up. There are so many savory and sweet bites just waiting for me to devour in the kitchen, and it was really difficult for me to stop myself from obsessing about it!! So I pulled myself back and began to pray and meditate more on how brilliantly God provides for my every need. I decided to be thankful for how God made my taste buds and such so that I could actually enjoy food! It seemed to help to find ways to fixate on my cravings with more of a thankful heart, and for a few hours, my ravenous appetite was quelled a bit.
Then around 5:00, I took a long, slow walk with my husband. Initially on the walk, I spent my time looking at how beautiful my town really is. I noticed all the birds and how shiny the water is when the sun is casting a late-afternoon glow on the surface. It was really lovely to be so aware and open to other things besides the growling in my tummy. It was a nice way to break up my day, and I was really peaceful and content the entire time.
But man...when I got home, I was overwhelmed with a need to eat! It was as if I hadn't eaten for weeks and I just had to have some food! When I would catch myself thinking of things I could cook for dinner, I would feel something compulsive inside of me, pushing me to go stand in the kitchen. I thought about making this casserole with rice and cheese - AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CASSEROLES! I thought about eating roasted beets, snap peas and lemons! I pictured myself eating a cup-full of granola and a bag of chocolate chips! My mind was a whirl of thoughts, and most of the things I was thinking about eating were things I would never normally consider (except, of course, the chocolate chips!!)
After nearly breaking down and shoving something into my mouth, I had to remove myself from the kitchen and go into my bedroom. I laid across the center of my bed and tried to shove thoughts of food out of my mind so I could find a place of steady calm. I closed my eyes and said and prayer. Then I started to consider the true origin of my reaction:
How much of my reaction was because I was truly hungry, and how much of it was about entitlement and the out of control appetites in my life?
I'm sure I was a bit hungry - I mean after all, my body is used to eating quite a few times a day. BUT I'm not starving!!! I have never actually been in that situation, and quite literally, I don't think I've ever even been close to it!!! So the answer had to be entitlement and habit. It had to be!!
After pressing through the evening, and shielding my eyes from the pizza and hamburger commercials on TV, I went to bed with an empty belly, but overflowing heart. It was important for me to see myself the way I did yesterday. Food clearly has a bigger purpose in my life - one that is beyond nutrition and sustenance. It is something that brings out a greedy side in me that I want to try to keep in check. I want to be more thoughtful about what I eat, but more than that, I want to be less driven by my appetite for hoarding things and pursuing things that in the end, I don't really want or need.
Today, I met up with one of my favorite girlfriends for breakfast, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about eating. But what was so different about eating my egg sandwich this morning was how grateful I felt for the life lesson I started to learn yesterday. I tasted my food with more intention than usual, and savored each bite with more appreciation. And even though the things I feel like I need to sort out in my life still have a certain amount of confusion around them, I do have more clarity about me and food. And I think I will reward that clarity with a handful of milk chocolate chips later this afternoon!! (I'm totally just kidding about that!! Totally!!)
SBZ ;o)
I am so ashamed that it has been months since I last posted some thoughts on this blog. What is wrong with me? I'm not sure. I could say that I've been super busy - because I have. Or I could say that I've been working on other things - which is true. But the real truth is...I've been horribly irresponsible with my blog. There! I said it. Whew... The honesty feels really great!
But I want to be better! I really do! I want to start using this blog as a way to keep me moving forward with my dreams. It is a useful tool in helping me keep my voice and passion front and center in my life and daily routine. So if I still have anyone following me, and if anyone actually hasn't given up on reading my postings on this page, I'm going to commit to you that I will do better! I will get things back on track!!
Hooray!! I'm back!!
SBZ ;o)
