Hunger

So yesterday, I decided to spend the day fasting. I feel like I need to get clear on some things going on in my life, and fasting is often the best way to pull yourself into a meditative state. It is such a discipline for me, though, because I actually think about food quite a lot. But what was really crazy is this: it turns out eating for me is less about the food, and more about entitlement! Let me explain...

The morning was pretty easy for me to get through - I usually pray a lot in the mornings anyway, and food is not usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up. But around 2:00 in the afternoon, I started to feel irritable and snack-driven. I started thinking about all the food I have in the pantry and refrigerator, and my mouth started to water up. There are so many savory and sweet bites just waiting for me to devour in the kitchen, and it was really difficult for me to stop myself from obsessing about it!! So I pulled myself back and began to pray and meditate more on how brilliantly God provides for my every need. I decided to be thankful for how God made my taste buds and such so that I could actually enjoy food! It seemed to help to find ways to fixate on my cravings with more of a thankful heart, and for a few hours, my ravenous appetite was quelled a bit.

Then around 5:00, I took a long, slow walk with my husband. Initially on the walk, I spent my time looking at how beautiful my town really is. I noticed all the birds and how shiny the water is when the sun is casting a late-afternoon glow on the surface. It was really lovely to be so aware and open to other things besides the growling in my tummy. It was a nice way to break up my day, and I was really peaceful and content the entire time.

But man...when I got home, I was overwhelmed with a need to eat! It was as if I hadn't eaten for weeks and I just had to have some food! When I would catch myself thinking of things I could cook for dinner, I would feel something compulsive inside of me, pushing me to go stand in the kitchen. I thought about making this casserole with rice and cheese - AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CASSEROLES! I thought about eating roasted beets, snap peas and lemons! I pictured myself eating a cup-full of granola and a bag of chocolate chips! My mind was a whirl of thoughts, and most of the things I was thinking about eating were things I would never normally consider (except, of course, the chocolate chips!!)

After nearly breaking down and shoving something into my mouth, I had to remove myself from the kitchen and go into my bedroom. I laid across the center of my bed and tried to shove thoughts of food out of my mind so I could find a place of steady calm. I closed my eyes and said and prayer. Then I started to consider the true origin of my reaction:

How much of my reaction was because I was truly hungry, and how much of it was about entitlement and the out of control appetites in my life?

I'm sure I was a bit hungry - I mean after all, my body is used to eating quite a few times a day. BUT I'm not starving!!! I have never actually been in that situation, and quite literally, I don't think I've ever even been close to it!!! So the answer had to be entitlement and habit. It had to be!!

After pressing through the evening, and shielding my eyes from the pizza and hamburger commercials on TV, I went to bed with an empty belly, but overflowing heart. It was important for me to see myself the way I did yesterday. Food clearly has a bigger purpose in my life - one that is beyond nutrition and sustenance. It is something that brings out a greedy side in me that I want to try to keep in check. I want to be more thoughtful about what I eat, but more than that, I want to be less driven by my appetite for hoarding things and pursuing things that in the end, I don't really want or need.

Today, I met up with one of my favorite girlfriends for breakfast, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about eating. But what was so different about eating my egg sandwich this morning was how grateful I felt for the life lesson I started to learn yesterday. I tasted my food with more intention than usual, and savored each bite with more appreciation. And even though the things I feel like I need to sort out in my life still have a certain amount of confusion around them, I do have more clarity about me and food. And I think I will reward that clarity with a handful of milk chocolate chips later this afternoon!! (I'm totally just kidding about that!! Totally!!)

SBZ ;o)