Hunger

So yesterday, I decided to spend the day fasting. I feel like I need to get clear on some things going on in my life, and fasting is often the best way to pull yourself into a meditative state. It is such a discipline for me, though, because I actually think about food quite a lot. But what was really crazy is this: it turns out eating for me is less about the food, and more about entitlement! Let me explain...

The morning was pretty easy for me to get through - I usually pray a lot in the mornings anyway, and food is not usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up. But around 2:00 in the afternoon, I started to feel irritable and snack-driven. I started thinking about all the food I have in the pantry and refrigerator, and my mouth started to water up. There are so many savory and sweet bites just waiting for me to devour in the kitchen, and it was really difficult for me to stop myself from obsessing about it!! So I pulled myself back and began to pray and meditate more on how brilliantly God provides for my every need. I decided to be thankful for how God made my taste buds and such so that I could actually enjoy food! It seemed to help to find ways to fixate on my cravings with more of a thankful heart, and for a few hours, my ravenous appetite was quelled a bit.

Then around 5:00, I took a long, slow walk with my husband. Initially on the walk, I spent my time looking at how beautiful my town really is. I noticed all the birds and how shiny the water is when the sun is casting a late-afternoon glow on the surface. It was really lovely to be so aware and open to other things besides the growling in my tummy. It was a nice way to break up my day, and I was really peaceful and content the entire time.

But man...when I got home, I was overwhelmed with a need to eat! It was as if I hadn't eaten for weeks and I just had to have some food! When I would catch myself thinking of things I could cook for dinner, I would feel something compulsive inside of me, pushing me to go stand in the kitchen. I thought about making this casserole with rice and cheese - AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CASSEROLES! I thought about eating roasted beets, snap peas and lemons! I pictured myself eating a cup-full of granola and a bag of chocolate chips! My mind was a whirl of thoughts, and most of the things I was thinking about eating were things I would never normally consider (except, of course, the chocolate chips!!)

After nearly breaking down and shoving something into my mouth, I had to remove myself from the kitchen and go into my bedroom. I laid across the center of my bed and tried to shove thoughts of food out of my mind so I could find a place of steady calm. I closed my eyes and said and prayer. Then I started to consider the true origin of my reaction:

How much of my reaction was because I was truly hungry, and how much of it was about entitlement and the out of control appetites in my life?

I'm sure I was a bit hungry - I mean after all, my body is used to eating quite a few times a day. BUT I'm not starving!!! I have never actually been in that situation, and quite literally, I don't think I've ever even been close to it!!! So the answer had to be entitlement and habit. It had to be!!

After pressing through the evening, and shielding my eyes from the pizza and hamburger commercials on TV, I went to bed with an empty belly, but overflowing heart. It was important for me to see myself the way I did yesterday. Food clearly has a bigger purpose in my life - one that is beyond nutrition and sustenance. It is something that brings out a greedy side in me that I want to try to keep in check. I want to be more thoughtful about what I eat, but more than that, I want to be less driven by my appetite for hoarding things and pursuing things that in the end, I don't really want or need.

Today, I met up with one of my favorite girlfriends for breakfast, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about eating. But what was so different about eating my egg sandwich this morning was how grateful I felt for the life lesson I started to learn yesterday. I tasted my food with more intention than usual, and savored each bite with more appreciation. And even though the things I feel like I need to sort out in my life still have a certain amount of confusion around them, I do have more clarity about me and food. And I think I will reward that clarity with a handful of milk chocolate chips later this afternoon!! (I'm totally just kidding about that!! Totally!!)

SBZ ;o)

Clearly...I've been bad... :o(

I am so ashamed that it has been months since I last posted some thoughts on this blog. What is wrong with me? I'm not sure. I could say that I've been super busy - because I have. Or I could say that I've been working on other things - which is true. But the real truth is...I've been horribly irresponsible with my blog. There! I said it. Whew... The honesty feels really great!

But I want to be better! I really do! I want to start using this blog as a way to keep me moving forward with my dreams. It is a useful tool in helping me keep my voice and passion front and center in my life and daily routine. So if I still have anyone following me, and if anyone actually hasn't given up on reading my postings on this page, I'm going to commit to you that I will do better! I will get things back on track!!

Hooray!! I'm back!!
SBZ ;o)

Self-Evaluation

   Today, I was forced into a deep moment of evaluation. I was at our local Whole Foods market, and the check-out girl was this cute little pixy-type girl, and I couldn't help but notice how adorable she was. So I struck up a little chat with her - nothing too hefty. Just a curious question about a food item I was buying. That's when my self awareness first started to kick in.

   As the pixy girl began talking, she sounded just like a Valley Girl from 1984 with all her "likes" and "totallys." I found myself smiling inside because it seemed next to impossible for her to communicate with out the injection of these "totally helpful words."  

   When the bag boy sidled up to the end of the conveyor belt to load my groceries into a bag, I heard myself say, "I totally have my own bag, so, like, no worries, k?" And I was TOTALLY being myself!! And that's when I got to thinking: I say totally A LOT!

   So to find out how serious the situation really is, I decided to try to count the "totallys" I used in my day. The sum total of my "totallys" was staggering! I said it twice at the bank, and then once more in the parking lot (when the leaf blower guy blasted me with a cloud of dust and I told him I was "totally fine.") Then, while I was leaving a message for a friend, I literally told her I would "totally be around all day!" And I have more examples, too (but I'm totally too tired to repeat them all!)

   The day isn't quite over yet, but so far, I'm up to an average of 3 totallys per verbal engagement!! And that's what's coming out of my mouth WHILE I'M AWARE OF IT!! Can you imagine how often I say it when I'm not paying attention? Good grief!!

   Well, the whole situation has me totally freaked...er, I mean, completely concerned! But now that I'm aware of the whole situation, I'm stuck to wonder if totally is just my word, or if maybe it's time for me to grow up and evolve my vocabulary a bit! I guess I'm going to have to give it some thought. I have to admit, I am an 80's kind of gal, and maybe that's not a totally bad thing! (Well...I guess it's totally better than saying tubular all the time!)

Gag me...

SBZ ;o)   

Old Men Fighting in the Streets

   On my afternoon run through City Park (here in gorgeous Sarasota, Florida), I witnessed something pretty startling: two old men, fighting and screaming horrible things at one another in the middle of the road. While hiding behind a SUV in a nearby parking lot, I'm fairly certain I was able to figure out what caused the fight, so allow me to unfold the scene.

   Earlier on my run, I happened to notice a group of elderly people  - most looked like they were in their mid-70's and on up - standing along the side of a busy road that cuts past the marina. They were all holding signs that I couldn't read, but even before I had reason to be concerned about an ensuing fight, I gathered that the signs were of a political nature. I even thought to myself when I first jogged by that the people holding the signs must be of a more of a liberal persuasion (mostly due to the fact that one of the ladies I passed was holding up two very gnarled-looking fingers in the peace sign, and several of the other people were swaying like they might be signing "All we are saaayyy-iiinnngg is give peace a chaaance...")

   Anyway, on my way back past the marina, while listening to a very groovy tune on my iPod, I suddenly noticed a big fat Basset Hound dart several feet in front of me, and he looked rather upset. Next, I saw a very well dressed older gentlemen - wearing a buttery yellow cardigan over his lime green Polo shirt, along with tan golf shorts and a pair of boat shoes - dashing after the dog. The man seemed upset, so at first, I assumed he was frustrated with his dog. But the level of agitation seemed a little too high, and, I also noticed that he seemed to be shouting at someone over his shoulder. So I removed one earbud so I could hear what was going on, and that was when the first "F-bomb" landed right in front of me! (It came shooting over the top of a parked car and landed directly on the man in the yellow sweater, and suddenly, it was more than clear I was entering a verbal war zone!)

   I eased my jog down to a walk and then tucked in behind a nearby truck and turned my iPod off. Then I peered over the truck and watched as the first well-dressed man - who now had his dog on a leash - started walking toward a second well-dressed man (who was wearing bright orange slacks and a purple Polo shirt). The man in the purple shirt was holding up a sign that said REPUBLICAN DEPRESSION: 1929-2008.

   I'm not even sure what that means, exactly, but I did quickly gather he is not a Republican! But the verbal exchange between the two men didn't help me sort out the conflict much better. Yellow sweater man was shouting with his fist raised high in the air that the man in the purple shirt was an idiot and his stock broker was an idiot, too. The man in the purple shirt shouted back that the man in the yellow sweater was a pompous $%&*  &$%# and that he didn't have a @&*$*$% clue about economics. The insults continued, but I was unable to ascertain the true crux of the argument. As the man in the purple shirt started to cross over closer to yellow sweater man and his Basset Hound, I could feel things were about to get ugly, so I slipped out from behind the SUV and made my way onto the sidewalk leading away from the road. 

   From a distance, I watched as purple man poked his finger at yellow man, and the two seemed to be spitting words and hurling insults with great heat. I felt a little shaky as I watched these two grown men, fighting like hopped up teenagers. I decided that I couldn't take any more - it actually made me sad to see two men (who were very likely grandfathers) fighting in the middle of the road. What has this world come to?

   As I put my earbuds back into my ears, and pressed Play on my iPod, I couldn't seem to shake the electric spark in the air over politics and the economy in America. We are so polarized about how to handle things that even or most mature citizens are behaving badly. How are our children supposed to know how to behave when even their grandparents can't control their emotions?

  As I sit here and blog about this unusual episode in my day, I can't help but wonder how we as Americans will ever get passed our differences. Things are just so big and seem to be so broken. Is it all worth arguing about? Well...I guess it's worth arguing about, but I'm not sure that's the answer. Maybe I'm more like the Basset Hound - I try not to get all tangled up in the arguments, and do my best to keep my slow, fat body out of the fray.  I don't know... But I just thought I'd blog about it and see if that would help.

  

One Possible Reason June Cleaver Wore Heels

   I watched a lot of Nickelodeon when I was a kid - it was kind of new when I was a teen, and since my dad was rather strict about watching MTV, I filled my spare time (that he knew about anyway) with shows like Leave it to Beaver and I Love Lucy. It was great entertainment, but not always the most gripping plot situations for sure, so you had to kind of make it interesting on your own. You had to try to invest your attention in other ways to make the program a really good waste of time.

   So I diverted my attention to studying the details of the sets and the clothing that all the characters wore.  Since there was no color to stimulate the eyes, the details had to be spot on, and it was always very interesting to notice even the smallest touches! However, sometimes, the details didn't make sense within the context of the situations, which would often leave me amused. Take for instance the fact that June Cleaver was known to vacuum in her high heels. What's that all about? I mean, high heels and hard-core housekeeping are a dangerous combination, right?

  Well, this weekend, I found out that maybe there was an actual reason for the heels. Maybe June didn't have a choice about the shoes she wore when it came to tidying up the place. Maybe, just maybe, June had a pulled muscle in her calf.

  You see, I pulled a muscle in my right calf this weekend. It was a freak situation - one that came on with quite a bit of drama actually. You see, I had been wearing some high heeled clogs one day last week, and the following morning, my calf was a bit tender. I really didn't think that much of it, but the tightness of the calf grew throughout the day, and it caused me to limp slightly when I would walk. Well, on my daily trip out to the mailbox in my flip flops, I took a wrong step, and with a loud POP, my calf muscle gave way, and a blinding pain swelled up and over my entire leg!

   I managed to hobble my way into the house and flop down on the sofa, but the calf was clearly a mess. The swelling and pain were miserable, and I knew that this was going to be a problem for me. My whole weekend was shot, and as I recognized the full reality of the situation, I knew that even my passion for cleaning my house would be put on hold, because I would need to give the leg a rest. 

   So after a full weekend of elevating the leg, wrapping it in a compression wrap and messaging various liniments and herbal remedies into the muscle, the ability to hobble became a bit easier. I was able to walk on my bad leg by keeping all my weight on the ball of my foot, and I could actually put a little weight on the leg - as long as my foot was in the tip-toe kind of position. It was a drag to try to get around this way, but I was truly thankful for any kind of progress by the time Saturday night rolled around! But my need to do my weekly cleaning was pressuring me to find a solution to my limited mobility. I had to think of something.

   That's when I had a brilliant idea: What if I put on a high heeled shoe?

   It made good sense to try. I mean, when I was hoisting all of my body weight on the ball of my foot, if my arch got tired, I could have easily landed flat-footed, causing excruciating pain to radiate through my leg. At least with the high heel on my foot, the shoe would prevent the arch from failing and flopping my weight on a flat foot, and maybe, just maybe, I'd be safer in a high heeled shoe, and maybe, just maybe, I would be able to get the rugs vacuumed.

   Well by golly Wally, IT WORKED! In fact, it not only took the pressure off the ball of my foot and my arch, I could actually walk and place my full weight on my bad leg!! And while my vacuuming efforts didn't feel as easy as June's efforts looked on the show, I got the job done, and done well. 

   I certainly hope the calf muscle will heal in due time - I mean, I certainly don't want to be confined to high heeled shoes for the rest of my life! But the thing is, I feel like I have a new appreciation for June and her cleaning efforts. I feel like there is a newfound connection to her plight as a woman who has a need to vacuum - no matter what! 

   Well, there is no way that I will ever be sure about why June wore heels while doing her chores. But I guess I feel like I can frame up a better answer to that question at least! ;o)

Pinky Issue

   For some reason, this week, I was reminded of an issue I used to have with one of my pinky fingers. I know it sounds really odd to have an "issue" with a finger, but I truly had a problem with my left pinky. You see, smack dab in the center of the middle portion of my pinky - between the upper knuckle the knee-equivalent knuckle of the finger - I had a dark, black, unsightly mole. I had - and still have - various moles and freckles on my hands, but this mole on my pinky was very troubling... And very ugly to me.

   Back then, when I would look at my left hand, all I could see was that big mole, just looking back at me like it's name was John Boy Walton. Everything else about the finger was fine - it had a good nail and it was the right shape and size. But just like the actor who played John Boy Walton, all I could see when I looked at that finger was the big, black mole!

   So to make sure no one else had to look the ugly speck, I'd tuck my pinky under my ring finger when I was sitting idle, or I'd ball my hand up into a tight fist to make sure the monster spot didn't garner any inadvertent attention. (I think I may have actually caused the joint to pop out a bit on that hand in an effort to cover up the mole because to this day, my left pinky has a very broad range of motion - compared to all of my other fingers, that is.)

   Then one day, when I was in the sixth grade, I had the brilliant idea to put a bandage over the mole! By wrapping the taupe colored adhesive around the middle of my finger, I could hide the spot! The idea was genius because if people did happen to notice the bandage, they would worry I was hurt - which would be a lovely reaction - and not be tempted to turn away with horror over the ugly mole that was hiding under the dressing! It was a great plan, and I was so very happy to have stumbled upon it.

   The first few days of wearing the bandage provided me with a newfound liberation! My left hand was suddenly free to move about and accentuate my stories with fluid movement and total and complete participation. I felt confident and happy with the bandage on my finger, and even though my mother asked about it a few times (without the anticipated and welcome sympathy I had predicted, but with more of the pestering, worried-mother style she was known for when bandages were in use!) I felt like the bandage was a great and brilliant move.

  But after wearing the bandage for about a week, I did start to feel there could be a potential down side to my camouflaging plan. Due to the fact that I have always had an irrational need to wash my hands (repeatedly) throughout the day, my pinky finger had started to smell a little - like wet adhesive mixed with a tinge of fungus. And even though I changed the bandage every day - sometimes twice or more - the stench was still present, as if it was a permanent part of my pinky skin. And then there was the chapping. The skin under the bandage started to shrivel slightly and had a milky, yet chalky quality to it that simply didn't look right. However, the shriveled, caky quality of the skin only made the black of the mole pop with more drama, and even though the stink kind of drove me crazy, I now I realized I simply couldn't allow myself to go through my life without the bandage!

  So I pressed on with my bandage strategy, but I came up with various ointments and creams to apply to the finger before I put the bandage in place, and I worked out clever ways to use my left hand without getting the pinky dirty. (That way, when I washed my hands, I could let the bandaged left pinky pull away from the water - kind of the way you hold it when sipping proper tea from fine China.) The new techniques I used worked for a time, but eventually, it was the stench that finally got me. I can actually smell that awful, pungent smell in my mind as I recall this time in my life, and even the memory of it makes me dizzy. I had to finally face the reality of my situation. People could either see the unsightly mole on my finger, or smell the stench of my molding, rotting flesh underneath the bandage. 

   So...I decided to let the mole win.

  Loads of time has passed since I was in this sixth grade dilemma, yet the other day, I caught myself tucking my pinky under my ring finger when I placed my hand on the back of my husband's chair at church. It was strange to think that I was still self-conscious about my pinky, so I pulled my hand up to my face to inspect the mole. To my complete and utter shock, there was no mole on the pinky at all! Not even a "speck" or a "freck" - it was just plain skin (that didn't stink!)

   As I studied my pinky for awhile, I had to laugh at myself. At one time in my life, I thought for sure this mole was going to be a problem I would have to deal with forever! AND, I was oddly certain that if other people saw the mole, they too would think it was unsightly! The way I analyzed that silly freckle and focused on it was such a waste of energy - especially if I'd known it would fade as I grew older, and one day, wouldn't even exist anymore! 

   The whole thing kind of makes me wonder: are there things in my life right now that I obsess over as if they are going to impact my life forever? Are there things that take over my mind and guide my every decision that one day will end up being as trivial as the mole on my pinky?

  Well, I do believe there are always a few irrational driving forces in my life - especially when it comes to things having to do with how I think others will see me. BUT, I really do think I can learn a lot from this memory involving my pinky! Maybe I should just have a little more faith in the fact that nothing ever stays exactly the same, and I can trust that even my own outlook has the potential to evolve! What a revelation!

   (Hmmm.... I may just have to go out and buy a pinky ring for my left finger to commemorate this valuable life-lesson!)

A Question of Talent

   So my husband likes this show that kind of gets on my nerves a little bit. It's called America's Got Talent. Thankfully, we are nearing the home stretch of this dreadful talent show, where acts from all over America compete to win a million dollars and a Vegas show. I think the reason the show bugs me so much is because some of the acts are just really terrible. It kind of slays me when the judges ask the guy who just pulled string through his nose and out of his mouth if he believes his act is worth a million dollars, and he confidently answers, "Oh yes!"

   It's not that I want to be a dream squisher, or that I don't want people to believe in their greater value. It's just that it makes me worry, that's all... I worry that if a drag queen lip-synching Tina Turner songs, or some inflatable plastic mascots can stand on a stage in front of people like my husband, and declare the have talent, maybe I'm not as talented as I hope I am.

   So in the end, is it really a matter of talent, or is it more about confidence? I guess maybe a combination of both, really. And while I'm super happy that we won't be watching this show much longer, I guess I need to take some notes from the various acts that have been on the show. One, that in order to be successful in life, you have to put yourself out there and try. Two, that a belief in your ability to move people in some way is often all the fuel you really need to make it. And three, America is a very open place for showcasing the odd, the unusual and the questionably talented. Points taken... ;o)