Pinky Issue

   For some reason, this week, I was reminded of an issue I used to have with one of my pinky fingers. I know it sounds really odd to have an "issue" with a finger, but I truly had a problem with my left pinky. You see, smack dab in the center of the middle portion of my pinky - between the upper knuckle the knee-equivalent knuckle of the finger - I had a dark, black, unsightly mole. I had - and still have - various moles and freckles on my hands, but this mole on my pinky was very troubling... And very ugly to me.

   Back then, when I would look at my left hand, all I could see was that big mole, just looking back at me like it's name was John Boy Walton. Everything else about the finger was fine - it had a good nail and it was the right shape and size. But just like the actor who played John Boy Walton, all I could see when I looked at that finger was the big, black mole!

   So to make sure no one else had to look the ugly speck, I'd tuck my pinky under my ring finger when I was sitting idle, or I'd ball my hand up into a tight fist to make sure the monster spot didn't garner any inadvertent attention. (I think I may have actually caused the joint to pop out a bit on that hand in an effort to cover up the mole because to this day, my left pinky has a very broad range of motion - compared to all of my other fingers, that is.)

   Then one day, when I was in the sixth grade, I had the brilliant idea to put a bandage over the mole! By wrapping the taupe colored adhesive around the middle of my finger, I could hide the spot! The idea was genius because if people did happen to notice the bandage, they would worry I was hurt - which would be a lovely reaction - and not be tempted to turn away with horror over the ugly mole that was hiding under the dressing! It was a great plan, and I was so very happy to have stumbled upon it.

   The first few days of wearing the bandage provided me with a newfound liberation! My left hand was suddenly free to move about and accentuate my stories with fluid movement and total and complete participation. I felt confident and happy with the bandage on my finger, and even though my mother asked about it a few times (without the anticipated and welcome sympathy I had predicted, but with more of the pestering, worried-mother style she was known for when bandages were in use!) I felt like the bandage was a great and brilliant move.

  But after wearing the bandage for about a week, I did start to feel there could be a potential down side to my camouflaging plan. Due to the fact that I have always had an irrational need to wash my hands (repeatedly) throughout the day, my pinky finger had started to smell a little - like wet adhesive mixed with a tinge of fungus. And even though I changed the bandage every day - sometimes twice or more - the stench was still present, as if it was a permanent part of my pinky skin. And then there was the chapping. The skin under the bandage started to shrivel slightly and had a milky, yet chalky quality to it that simply didn't look right. However, the shriveled, caky quality of the skin only made the black of the mole pop with more drama, and even though the stink kind of drove me crazy, I now I realized I simply couldn't allow myself to go through my life without the bandage!

  So I pressed on with my bandage strategy, but I came up with various ointments and creams to apply to the finger before I put the bandage in place, and I worked out clever ways to use my left hand without getting the pinky dirty. (That way, when I washed my hands, I could let the bandaged left pinky pull away from the water - kind of the way you hold it when sipping proper tea from fine China.) The new techniques I used worked for a time, but eventually, it was the stench that finally got me. I can actually smell that awful, pungent smell in my mind as I recall this time in my life, and even the memory of it makes me dizzy. I had to finally face the reality of my situation. People could either see the unsightly mole on my finger, or smell the stench of my molding, rotting flesh underneath the bandage. 

   So...I decided to let the mole win.

  Loads of time has passed since I was in this sixth grade dilemma, yet the other day, I caught myself tucking my pinky under my ring finger when I placed my hand on the back of my husband's chair at church. It was strange to think that I was still self-conscious about my pinky, so I pulled my hand up to my face to inspect the mole. To my complete and utter shock, there was no mole on the pinky at all! Not even a "speck" or a "freck" - it was just plain skin (that didn't stink!)

   As I studied my pinky for awhile, I had to laugh at myself. At one time in my life, I thought for sure this mole was going to be a problem I would have to deal with forever! AND, I was oddly certain that if other people saw the mole, they too would think it was unsightly! The way I analyzed that silly freckle and focused on it was such a waste of energy - especially if I'd known it would fade as I grew older, and one day, wouldn't even exist anymore! 

   The whole thing kind of makes me wonder: are there things in my life right now that I obsess over as if they are going to impact my life forever? Are there things that take over my mind and guide my every decision that one day will end up being as trivial as the mole on my pinky?

  Well, I do believe there are always a few irrational driving forces in my life - especially when it comes to things having to do with how I think others will see me. BUT, I really do think I can learn a lot from this memory involving my pinky! Maybe I should just have a little more faith in the fact that nothing ever stays exactly the same, and I can trust that even my own outlook has the potential to evolve! What a revelation!

   (Hmmm.... I may just have to go out and buy a pinky ring for my left finger to commemorate this valuable life-lesson!)